I'm not going to cuttag this because hiding it feels like I'm taking care of other people before myself. And that's part of why I don't post, I think, cause I'm doing nothing and feeling shitty and I don't want people to feel obligated to engage with that.

However, TL;DR: SocSec denied disability. Credit card says my check bounced, but went through on second try, $27 please. cobra sez my check last month bounced. finance guy never replied to text about a check from april that the creditor never saw that I want to stop payment. Good: Finance guy called back *at 10 pm*, went over everything I wrote last month. No reason anything should have bounced, I never went low enough in the account day by day to have bounced anything, 2(!) checks were "reversed" by the other side before going through (one was the above credit card), and the cobra check was never presented for payment.

So I've been having this bullshit going on with Social Security and me being declared disabled so I can get some quantity of income since before Otter died. I hadn't bothered to apply before that, because I figured it would just get bounced due to his income being high enough. The social worker assigned to his case since he was cancer and terminal told me that, once it was approved, it would get back-paid to the day I applied, which I hadn't known. So, application. Also, automatic rejection, acquire specialty lawyer, appeal, postponement, postponement, lawyer realizing that Otter died, different application, finally hearing, judge noting that first application superseded by second application, and since second application hadn't yet been evaluated, it hadn't been denied, and he had no standing to rule, good day sir. And 6 months later find out that that had killed *both* applications instead of just the superseded one, re-apply, aggravation talking to people, covid, delay delay delay, more paperwork, delay, until TUesday, when I got a call from lawyer saying it's been denied

Today I call back, having lost 2 days to migraines during business hours, and spend 45 minutes on the phone with the clerk with them filling out the appeals form.

Fortunately, Otter had a Huge Pile of Money in a) a life insurance policy through work, and b) state pensions from when he worked at Rutgers, and a 401k. While it took nearly 6 months to ACCESS THAT FUCKING MONEY, I have 85% of the 401k and about 70% of the pensions socked away into both an IRA for me, and a money market account, which is what I'm paying bills from. So, DESPITE HAVING NO INCOME, I'm not in any danger of being on the street. At the ass end of desperation, I have a 2unit house I could sell. Or, you know, tell the tenants I have to put the rent closer to market rate. (Which I don't do because a) one set of tenants are basically non-biological family, and b) the other set of tenants, their friends, are handicapped. And c) I'm a mensch.)

BUT I'D STILL LIKE TO HAVE SOME FUCKING INCOME CAUSE I'M PARANOID LIKE THAT.

So after talking to the nice law clerk about $SHIT (including all the ways which don't show up in their questionnaires that I am a non-starter as an employee, or even an independent worker with deadlines) I took some time to calm down (listened to the Nice Voice on youtube tell me inconsequential information while I keep my fingers and light levels of attention busy playing solitaire) I was about to open WoW, but decided that yes, it's AUgust 25, I should do the bills so I don't have to call the pay-by-phone system to pay them. Virtuous me!

(Yes, the date on this post, and indeed the date I'm writing it, is August 27.)

It wasn't till I was looking through my calendar to mark down how much money I paid out in doctor copays this month that I realized it was the 27th. Oh yeah, 2 days of migraines.

So after being aggravated at myself for about a half hour, I forced myself to settle down and do the page-markup I do for my bill ledger, to divide the two facing pages into 4 months worth of records. And I kept finding myself with my fists on the table and grinding my teeth. And it's 8:50, and I really should get these bills in the mail TONIGHT to make sure they get there by Sept 1. SO ok. Not gonna do pretty lines on paper, just do the bills and record them later.

So i start opening the bills, in order of a) importance and b) due by date. First up: COBRA. Why do I have 5 letters from them? In order of received: 1)"We received a partial payment for September. Here is the amended payment coupon for the rest of September." 2)"We received a partial payment for August. Here is the amended payment coupon for the rest of August." 3)"Your check #XXX in the amount of (total I pay per month) was declined for insufficient funds. Here is a coupon for August in the full amount you still owe us." 4)"Here is some legal information about when you have to pay your COBRA by, since there's COVID weirdness, and everything's extended and we don't know when it ends." 5)"We still haven't received your payment for August. If we don't have it by LAST DAY OF MONTH your COBRA insurance will be cancelled."

What the everloving actual fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

So I text the guy who oversees my finances, because I don't understand money shit and if I can offshore this I will. This is the guy who's done my inlaws money for decades, so even tho he's a bit smarmy and talks a lot about guns and other shit (which doesn't really bother me, I just wonder if he does that cause he thinks I got along so well with the family cause I was into it like my father in law). He usually at least texts back. I also see that I texted him earlier in the month about a check that (the Specialty Mail Order Pharmacy claims to never have received, that according to the records I could dig up,) was never cashed, and how do I stop it and how much would it cost.

And then my Elder Child comes up with food, and I rant at them for a bit, and realize that a) I'm probably having a panic attack, because b) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY MONEY AND I CAN'T PAY BILLS WITHOUT KNOWING THAT. Hopefully *they* have calmed down from the anxiety about WTFMONEYBILLSAAAHHHHH So I realize it's been an hour, and I text FinanceGuy again, apologizing and explaining, and get a text back, "I'll call you as soon as I can login."

And this is where he earns his money. He called me back, at 10:15 at night, and went over every transaction that happened wrt my bills. A) The COBRA check WAS NEVER PRESENTED FOR PAYMENT. B) My check to one of my credit cards was "reversed" (he doesn't know why that happened) and then presented again, and paid. C) my check to the water company was also "reversed", and then presented again and paid. D) At no point in the month did my balance dip low enough for EITHER of them to be declined.

AND when I looked at my current statements from that credit card, and the water company, the credit card is dinging me $27 for having to present it a second time. The water company has no information about that on the statement.

He's going to check with his assistant tomorrow, to see if there was some sort of glitch on their end that might have fucked things up, and get back to me. I'm also going to call COBRA company and a) find out wtf is going on with 'latest day to have money by' and b) WTF DECLINED WHEN NOT EVEN PRESENTED FUCKERS.

But, right now, I'm typing here, and then going to pay WoW. Because I don't have anything to throw that won't break and make me sad, and I don't want to damage the walls cause I don't want to have to deal with them being painted again.

And I'm still wanting to scream.