Fighting self denigration.

Feb. 5th, 2021 05:42 am
khatru: KItty goes yay (Default)
Sunday, I woke up about noon, puttered on my phone for a few hours, got on the desktop to play WoW for my Sunday Night Usual Game With (1 friend anymore, as the other person punted a few months ago. TBF my husband had pulled him in, because they'd been childhood besties (and best man at wedding) and hadn't been seen but twice since he moved out to ohio. But I miss having him around...) Guildies. And then played till about 9am. Tried to sleep (as I'd gotten offline feeling tired) but didn't fall asleep till after 1pm, at least. Slept through 4pm pills alarm, 6pm pills alarm. Woke at 7pm, panicked about the fact that it was Tuesday and I've been playing AD&D with my college friends for the past month or more on Tuesdays, frantically sent a SMS text to them, and then fell asleep before I got a reply. And woke up between 1 and 2 am, and wasn't able to get back to sleep.

Around 9am I ...

... stopped typing this, was back on my phone, and now i don't recall what I did.

Wednesday I spent sleeping and reading email, and worrying about the Social Security (phone) hearing on Thursday morning. To the point where I fell asleep around 4pm, woek up at 11, fell back asleep after eating something, woke up around 4am, and worried that if I went back to sleep I'd oversleep the hearing. So I stayed up. The hearing went ok. Most of it was the lawyer telling the judge all the ways that the SocSec had fucked up my claim (like, 3 different dates, all sorts of misfiling, seriously wtf) and the judge agreeing that yes, things had been fucked up. Since what I'm actually already approved for is under widow's benefits, I can't actually get any benefits that date to before Otter died. Which sucks, but is better in terms of back pay than what's there now. And, apparently, much earlier, SocSec had decided I was only capable of working 10 hours a week, and then denied the disability which is supposed to be based on whether I can work 40 hours a week. That's only *one* way the claim was upgefukt.

anyway, the judge asked some questions about what I can and can't do, at least some of which I think were designed to catch me in obvious lies, and then asked a court-appointed-jobs-expert about what he thought I could do given (various thigns she said, too fast for me to catch, really) and he basically said, "nope". So then it ended and I didn't get a followup call from the lawyer. And then I fell asleep again an hour or so later, and woke at 11, took midnight pills (I hadn't taken any meds all day again dammit) and fell back asleep till about an hour ago. I still feel like I need sleep, but it's 6amish now, Child the Younger is still awake (I can hear him talking again downstairs) and responded to my text request to a) plunge the toilet (which I'd tried earlier but didn't take on the next time I used the toilet), b) help change my arm sensor (yes, it senses if I have arms), and c) make me oatmeal. So now i have oatmeal and am sitting at my desktop, and maybe won't fall asleep.

I did do some entry into my dice spreadsheet while waiting for the lawyer to call, but not nearly enough. I should move things off my laptop and upgrade the os, in order to get a better copy of firefox, which is going into spinwaits for 5+ minutes at a time which is making me nuts. But that requires brains. Which I don't seem to have.

I think I'll listen to Simon Whistler talk about inane facts for a while.
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Another day. Actually, two, and some anticipation.

Oct. 28th, 2020 01:29 am
khatru: KItty goes yay (Default)
So I started this on Tuesday, and fell asleep in the middle. Completed it today, with a sucktastic ending. I'd say my life is a farce, but this entire fucking year is a farce. If only it will end.

So, Tuesday, I:

  1. Woke up at 5am. Realized I was hungry. Didn't want to get up, ate some sunflower seeds I keep on the bedside table for that purpose.
  2. Pill alarm woke me at 8. Realized I was hungry and that, despite how tired I felt, was unlikely to fall asleep again.
  3. Stood up (knees ok), went into hobby room and grabbed an eggroll from the fridge, and while eating it
  4. turned on kettle
  5. went to get my morning pills and my mug from my room
  6. went back to the hobby room to put my mug by the tea and
  7. realized i was still carrying bag with the other 2 egg rolls in it. Put it back in fridge.
  8. squeezed yesterday's teabags into rest of yesterday's tea (gasp! Sacrilege! STALE TEA!), put teabags
    into compost bowl, tea into mug.
  9. Realized still had some gypsy cold care tea left from yesterday, drank it all.
  10. got out vita tea (last bag - oh right, i ordered more yesterday), gypsy cold care teabag, and stared
    at tea selection. No, don't want more scotch breakfast, no cinnmon stick box, don't want china breakfast, plain no, golden chai no. guess it's constant comment.
  11. set up the teabags, kettle says 175, my knees aren't going to stand here and stare at it.
  12. I'm out of egg roll. Stare into fridge, nope, no brain, grab second eggroll.
  13. Sat down, eating eggroll. Opened 2 bills, notated envelopes, tea kettle goes beep.
  14. Stood up (knees ok...) Water into teapot, gcc mug, vita mug... no water to warm up tea from yesterday. Nope, no patience for doing the walk into bathroom, get brita, walk into hobby room, fill kettle, walk into bathroom, refill brita, dance. Cold tea it is.
  15. Sit back down, solitaire while I finished egg roll
  16. Then thought of writing this down. yay? something vaguely more ?useful?productive?acceptable? than solitaire.
  17. oh. i oculd have nuked my tea warm. doh.
  18. right, take pills.
  19. fuss with email a bit. oh gods, even traditional medicinals is on the pumpkin spice kick.
  20. (a moment for facepalm. sigh. discord beeps, check it out. bicker about politics for a few sentences)
  21. finished opening all the mail, sorted bills into 'due by' date.
  22. Finally, opened ledger (that I had actually brought over to the table, along with the checkbook, yesterday), grabbed the envelopes of coupon pays from tucked into front cover, and make sure I have everything.
  23. ..... looked at it all, decided I didn't want to stand up again and go find another check register right now. Spent about 2 hours watching Overly Sarcastic Productions videos (dionysus, hermes, don quixote, The Lancer) while playing solitaire. (2 hours ish)
  24. Took a deep breath and turned back to the bills. Stood up (knees ok?), found a check register in hte bill box in the storage room, grabbed 2 aspirin from my room, Grabbed a different mug of tea.
  25. Walked around the table to put my tea down after swallowing the aspirin, realize I need the toilet.
  26. Spent some time in the bathroom playing sudoku while my body did its thing
  27. did the refill the kettle dance
  28. killed what might have been a roach on my countertop (FUCK)
  29. grabbed 2 plums from the fridge and 3 chocolate bars (Nibmor brand,17g bars, one plain dark, one with cherries, one with blueberries) andsat down again to do bills.


-----
This was written Wednesday:

So then I actually did the bills, with various thigns on youtube, mostly stuff from Britain about the royalty (Real Royalty, I think, is the name of the channel. It has interesting things, but also very boring things.) I finished all the house bills around 5pm, and then by 7 I felt like I was falling asleep. I told the kids to just bring up dinner when it was ready, and I'd eat it when I woke. I went and laid down, but the activity of dinner being delivered to me didn't wake me. I woke up around 3am, just long enough to see the time. I woke at 4:30ish, ate the food left to me, and don't rememeber falling asleep again but woke at 6:45 for the toilet. Realized I'd never taken my midnight pills, figured the way I was going, the 8am pill alarm would wake me and I'd just take morning pills. I woke up at 11:45am with a headache.

I've now eaten the last eggroll, 2 plums, 2 cheese sticks. and most of my morning pills. I"ve found more evidence of the squirrel visiting the bathroom (that is apparently no longer visiting the rest of the house, unless it's pushing the door closed again behind it (which doesn't latch, alas)), and even tho I'm sitting in direct sunlight in the hobby room, I can't get warm. So I'm off to my bedroomden again, to wrap up in sweaterrobe and sit in the cradle office chair. maybe it will help alleviate the too-cool+headache and I might even wake up.

-----

To end: I didn't fall asleep. I think I took a migraine pill at some point earlier, tho I don't recall. Younger Kid showed up about 2:30 pm, to grab the bills and mail them. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to ask for for 4pm food, so I let him go off to do that. I also took the other migraine med about this time. Shortly after, I finally thought of something from the convenience store, called his phone, but he was home already (and hadn't told me. :( ) So I asked for 1 grilled cheeze sandwich and some tomato soup, in which I had Too Many Crackers. And took my pills.

I don't even know what I've done this evening. I've poked at mail a bit, I read twitter a little, I watched a couple of Overly Sarcastic vids, Dinner was brought up around 9pm. Ate half of it, put the rest in the fridge, and shortly after 11pm I was using a plastic toothpick around the base of my teeth and popped a filling out.

So now I shouldn't eat anything before seeing a dentist, which means tomorrow is going to be LOVELY. I also need to make an appointment to go to a bank and get a form ?authorized? not notarized, it has to be a bank thing, I don't get it, but it's what I was told was needed by some ?investment? thing that my (deceased in 2004) mother had money in my name in, and I thought I had put it in my name but maybe this is another? The person on the phone (last week or so) told me they couldn't tell me how much it was, but that it was under the limit of having the bank do the thing with it, which is 100k. Which is useful knowledge, and also slightly disappointing. I mean, one frequently imagines that suddenly found accounts are worth bajillions of cash, right?

Sending this off, might record my adventures tomorrow. Whee.

I must say, the ambient election dread is not playing well with my 'the last quarter of the year is shit'.
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My day

Oct. 26th, 2020 12:03 am
khatru: KItty goes yay (Default)
I write this about 6:15 pm my time, trying to figure out what I'd done all day.

I sat down in my hobby room this morning, with 'I should do bills' as my concept. So far I have
  1. Fetched my smaller-box-of-pills-I'm-taking from the storage room
  2. Fetched the brita pitcher from the bathroom
  3. Filled the kettle and turned it on
  4. Refilled the brita pitcher
  5. set up the mugs with gypsy cold care, vita 'genius', and teapot with 'scottish breakfast'
  6. set up the soup mug with canned veggie soup to mix boiling water into
  7. made 3 ham&cheese roll-ups (1 slice ham, 1 slice swiss, 1 line mustard on an angle, roll)
  8. poured boiling water into 2 mugs and teapot
  9. realized i didn't have enough water left for soup
  10. refilled kettle and turned it on
  11. Refilled brita pitcher
  12. eaten protein rolls
  13. Poured water into soup
  14. set up my pills for the week
  15. taken my morning pills
  16. ate soup, while I
  17. fussed with email (triaging 'don't need to read', 'should read but later', and 'just delete')
  18. put my fill-pillpods-from-this-box away
  19. noticed the bag of refilled meds on the table in the storage room, and fussed with putting my cache of pills in order again (trying to have oldest most grabbable, and have small space for it, so had to reset a few times as I knocked things over, fortunately not to the floor)
  20. Brought the containers of one set of migraine meds (maxalt), into the hobby room (some of which were ziploc baggies of 9 pills (what I can get a month), some of which are in small boxes labeled for 9 pills)
  21. Spent time writing the filled-dates in large marker on the baggies, and the boxes
  22. Belatedly realized that there were actually only 2 expiry dates
  23. re-ordered them by expiry date rather than prescription-filled date (all the ones in baggies were the same date, so they all went into one baggie with the expiry date on it, and all the boxes got individually dated because they are too tight a fit to be combined)
  24. fussed with email and read some patreon-sent comics
  25. Remembered I wanted to look up the stuff the orthopedist put into my knee and looked up knee gel injections
  26. Realized I was clearly not remembering the name of the stuff correctly.
  27. Remembered, halfway through writing a patient portal message to the doc office asking about it, that I had recorded the session (because they wouldn't let me have anyone else there to help me remember)
  28. Spent 10 minutes listening to it, to get the name and the bit of convo with my questions after
  29. Found it online and read around for a bit
  30. Stumbled across Psoriatic Arthritis references, and fell into that rabbit hole for a bit (apparently it correllates with everything else I have, and no one's figured out if there's any cause or all just correlation
  31. remembered bills!
  32. opened a bunch of snail mail, one of which was from the 529 account we never touched for Younger Child
  33. looked up what to do if you don't use the 529 moneys that were saved, took a while to find anything useful, and read around a little
  34. Found a package of a Kickstarter reward in the mail. Opened it, found d&d miniatures.
  35. Found no indication who it was from. Looked in email for what it likely was. Checked them over to make sure they survived the trip across the pond, and that I got them all.
  36. Re-read some of the updates
  37. Decided the tummy weirdness was maybe hungry
  38. Pulled bread from freezer, put in toaster
  39. Found a sweater, cause maybe the fidgets are thermal discomfort
  40. Asked for butter to be brought upstairs cause I was out
  41. Commented on the campaign that I received them
  42. fussed with email, sorting emails relating to that campaign into the 'Completely Done' folder
  43. Finally butter was delivered, ate lukewarm toast
  44. opened some more mail, some of which were bills that I noted and set into the pile to deal with
  45. 3 of which were bank statements, of which 1 was long (brokerage) and I tried to read, 1 that confused me (previously dormant savings account suddenly sending reports again), 1 useful.
  46. One of which was another Kickstarter package, of a gmless one-shot rpg that was much easier to find in my mail
  47. Commented that i received it, thank you
  48. fussed with email, sorting emails relating to that campaign into the 'Completely Done' folder
  49. 20 minutes after I ate toast I was EVEN HUNGRIER, so asked for and got hot dogs, eventually by 4:30pm
  50. took my 4pm pills
  51. Opened up a letter from my cobra company, looked up what to do when cobra ends
  52. Remembered bills BEFORE going down that rabbit hole!
  53. Opened a bunch of snail mail and realized I wasn't finding some that I was pretty sure were already put on the hobby room table
  54. talked on discord about a house in new hampshire
  55. realized Elder Child was probably asleep
  56. talked to Younger Child about dinner
  57. ordered chinese
  58. Found the rest of the bills under a box as I was talking to YC
  59. And then it was 6:30 and I needed to go set up to play wow.


No bills were dealt with.

Remember I said it was morning when I sat down? It was 7:30 am when I sat down at the table, figuring to do bills. ("Do" in this sense is: open mail, note moneys due and when on envelope, note same in ledger book, write check, note moneys sent and when check written in ledger book, address/return address envelope, reconcile checkbook, put it all away.) I wanted to have the bills mailed today.

And yes, I've broken it down that finely because it really really felt like each of those was an actual step. As in, I have to think about it to do it. I am so. Tired. Of. Brain. Fog.

I played 3.5 hours of WoW, realized I was brainfried, thought about going to bed, and noticed as I stared at my screen that I'd sent the above writing to myself to post here from my desktop, cause I can't recall my password to login to DW on my laptop, which is what's in the hobby room. It's now 1:45 am. I actually *woke up* around 5am, after restless sleep all night.

It's getting to the nonfunctional time of year. Otter's Mom died Oct 28; Otter and my anniversary is Oct 30; no family around to celebrate my birthday on Nov 19, or do thanksgiving with. Can't even go visit folks for post-thanksgiving weekend. Otter died on Dec 8, My dad died on Dec 23, and I am somehow to make sure I have new insurance post-december 31, when I don't even know exactly what I'm getting from Social Security yet - I was 'approved medically' but 'still deciding non-medically' and what the fuck is even that. Do I get money or not? WHEN?

I swear, I need a personal assistant. Someoen I can say, "this needs to happen" and it will.

Fuck, I forgot to take my foodless pills. And midnight pills.
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