khatru

I have to remind myself that no, there's no one who's going to come up and say good morning and hi and how was your night and give me a hug just because I exist. There's no one to share the excitement about trying to find a new house with. (No, my kids don't seem to be interested in the doing of it. They just want it to have happened without having to have done any of the interim actions.) There's not anyone, really, to look forward to things with me.

Since mid-October I've been having an inability to get myself moving. It's not that I don't want to do useful things and instead play WoW; it's more like i'm uncontrollably sleeping 10-14 hours a day, can't be arsed to pick up the books I order online to read them - either paper or ebook - and end up spending time either playing fidget games on mobile (sudoku. rogue-likes. move-blocks-around-to-fit...) or staring at youtube, one particular prolific maker of top 10s, biographies, various. (British voice, rather soothing in general.) And playing e.g. solitaire while that's going on.

We cleared my hobby table of all my painting stuff to have Thanksgiving dinner on it (because that was easier than dealing with the Dining Room table on the first floor), and I haven't been able to get back to painting since. I have a couple of games (of the MANY I've gotten off kickstarter) that I need to go through for known problems, but I can't manage to get the REST of it clear in order to do so.

I've asked for kids to come up and help me, even to keep me company. That doesn't happen, unless it's a specified "I need TallOne to come up here for a half hour to Move Things Around." type of thing. Which is, in and of itself, very frustrating. No, I don't really have anyone else local to come do this. One friend is coming down once a week (usually) to do things around the house like paint the walls, redo the kitchen floor, prod the plants outside... having him sit with me while I do what looks like busywork (labeling dice I've gotten for collecting, finding a place to put them, unboxing games - not to play, but to check over, and put away because I have 4+ more with extra expansions to do the same to) is NOT useful, because the things he's doing for me NEED to get done.

In October, I chalked it up to "wedding anniversary on October 30th, ok fine brain." I had about 5-10 days of alert function in November, and then my birthday, and Thanksgiving, which only reminds me that our focus for Thanksgiving had become Otter's Dad, who's gone up to his daughter's to live 6+ hours away from here. Where there's no real place for us to stay to visit anymore, due to his living there. December got eaten with Otter's death-day on the 8th, which seems to be ramping up agitation around my own dad's death day on the 23rd, recalling all the bullshit with my mom about Christmas. January I don't even know - partly agitation about the Soc Sec stuff which I was restarting in January, partly recovering from visiting someone out of state for a week over New Years, Oh! the roof getting fixed ($$$$$$$), having to buy a car... February was lost to painflare from new rheumatologist physical exam and aggravation over my hard drive dying (and more money for a new computer) and then yak-shaving the new computer.

I had 3-4 Actually Useful(tm) days last week, that fell into the pattern of "wake up, get food and take pills at a reasonable hour, fuss about dice/games/trackign emails for 6-8 hours with pleasant tea and hands not bothering me much about writing, then go play WoW for a few hours." Which pattern got disrupted when the FoaF came by to fuss with computer bits (my hard drive, Youngest's two laptops) which put my laptop downstairs, and it hasn't come back up. But that was on Tuesday of that week, and I STILL DID STUFF.

I attended a party on the 29th, and I haven't managed to have a brain since. I sit down to play wow and I don't even do that, instead continually distracted. Read back on LJ cause someone posted adn I got an email about it. Read back on DW because hey, that's a thing. Fuck, I get sucked into just clicking 'next' on imgur, after going there to read a post about coronavirus, because I linked someone ELSE to the damned thing. And sitting on the associated discord server, just reading people's chatter. EVEN WHEN I DON'T SCROLL BACK.

Maybe it's just that I'm not yet through the grieving process, but enough so that I feel like I *should* be useful? Like when you're recovering from a bad flu, and you feel well enough to be BORED but not actually able to concentrate on anything?

Whatever. Now that I've done THIS maybe I can go do something else that isn't just staring off into space, with or without soundtrack.