So far today:

• Called life insurance person direct, left message with my name, Otter's name, claim number, my cellphone number, and the fact that I called a couple of weeks ago and haven't ever heard back.
  
• Called Abby and made arrangements about the chocolate party
  
• Called Specialty Pharmacy, returning their fucking annoying automated call. And, just like on the 9th (which they have records of me calling), I *again* had to give them permission to send the med, and apparently the $60 copay is *every month* until max out of pocket. Which I don't recall it being, but Otter handled it cause it was his insurance etc, and I just don't know for sure.
  
• Called PSEG wrt lack of return envelope. Customer Service Rep has no clue why there was no envelope, as far as they know there's no program about asking to not get envelopes, and they made a note to make sure for my bill to have envelopes again. Would that everything were this easy.
  
• Called Oil Company - overage mentioned on receipt received 20180119 is actually all paid up.
  
• Called Verizon and fought my way through the voice menu to a person, where I talked about how the person who moved the account over from my deceased husband's name had said that I should call and ask to be put back on the 2 year plan to get the lower rates. I was told, this time, that my *discounts* were locked in till 2020, but that I would still be subject to any basic rate increases. They also said that, should that happen, I should call again to find out if I had the lowest prices available, which apparently I currently have.
  
• I had also tried to create a myverizon account, first, to see if I could do it myself without poking the phone monster. It got all the way through the setup process till I got to the 'create account' button, and then failed to react at all. No spinny things, no visible aspect on the browser frame to indicate any sort of processing or transaction. It was like I wasn't clicking the button at all. I turned off my adblockers, and tried again, same effect. So that's when I called the phone menu system to beat it into submission. I mentioned this to the person I got on the line, and they connected me to what I think was called the 'e-troubleshooter'. Who walked me through it twice more, including clearing cache and cookies, to the same result. I actually have a trouble ticket in to the 'devs' to figure it out. I'm betting some combo of linux and firefox and blockers, but we'll see.
  
• Called Water Company to ask about the charges that weren't on the previous bill. I'm wrong, it was on the older bill. Also, account wasn't name-changed, it was complete new account. Person on phone looked at Otter's bill history, and said that most often it was about $55 or less. So whee, I guess I budget 60 for months we go over.
  
• Called life insurance basic help line. Oh, this was special. First, my Claims Consultant is not the person listed on the letter, it's someone else. I now have their first name and their extension. Second, they don't know how much the insurance is for. Apparently it depends on Otter's earnings, and his cause of death. Sometimes that REDUCES IT. FMH. Third, of COURSE they don't put the interest information on the brochure about the "security account" that I can put that money into, cause obviously it's going to change on a fucking whim. Now I'm *really* pissed off.
  
• Sent email to Otter's HR person detailing the info in the phone call, and asking them to please clear up whatever issue they are having. Stupid fucking shit.
  
• tbd
  

To Do Tomorrow 20180131

• Call SocSec lawyer and see if she wants to meet (partner of no longer eligible lawyer)
  
• call tax assessor office 9a-3p Barbara 9087692906
  

ToDo SOON!

• Call mike the lawyer about the north bergen house deed.
  
• Find out if I called Meryll Lynch about angus gone, account come to me?
  
• Decide day of month I need to pay bills. (2 days before end of month is not enough time)
  
• Contact EZPass and find out how it was being paid and figure out if I need to do anything with it.
  

To Do Soon

• Cannot do until make payment! Waiting on Life Insurance. Call Mortgage, ask for late fee to be removed.
  
• Fill out forms for 401k
  
• read in detail, evaluate, car/home insurance offer from AAA
  
• Get onto Otter's computer and look for the file he left me.
  
• Deposit checks received (2017-12-22: 1 to date.)
  
• Clear out envelope of Bills Since Death and sort into records, bills, whatever.
  
• Figure out what to do about cpap machines (company emailed back, saying donate or whatever) (in process)
  
• Find out wtf to do about the argument with the insurance and the roof
  
• DO NOT LOSE PRINTED FILLED OUT FORMS BEFORE DEATH CERT SHOWS UP!!!!!

Talk to R about:

Things I need:

• Container specifically for estate stuff. - Catbag?
  
• Container for my paper notes on phone calls.
  
• Container for medical records current year, bills and other
  
• Container for keeping records, current year (current back half of step sorter that R got from Staples)
  
• Container for medical records specifically for past years.
  
• Containers for keeping records for past years, to hold paid bills and record keeping.
  
• Container for tax info papers bundled by year for past years.
  
• Container for my frustration and sanity. (Research ongoing. Last marble was found in dice bag, perhaps something similar?)
  

I've had an on-going issue that, fortunately, only comes up occasionally. It really really bugs me when people want me to make a list of things that I want as gifts. It *upsets* me. I get sad, and angry, and "that's not how you do it!" This was almost always in context of christmas gifts, and only really experienced from my mother in law. I've heard all the reasons why it's a thing, that people want to make sure that what they get is desired, that they don't want to mis-step, that they don't want to waste money, etc etc. Partly I feel like it's wildly inappropriate to tell someone else what to spend money on, partly it's that I greatly enjoy not knowing, partly that knowing what it is makes it not feel like a gift, just someone doing me a favor. (Yes, I'm unpacking as I type.) Yes, as a kid I wrote letters to Santa, and yes, I realize that my parents likely used that info. But I also never actually got most of what I asked for, and that was likely because my parents couldn't afford much of anything. (I think I got underwear for christmas every single year of my childhood, I don't recall when it stopped.)

But today I was randomly reading Captain Awkward and, in a slightly sideways subthread, Private Jane said:

“Compared to the actual work of, say, deciding what to buy and remembering all the special needs of others, just footing the bill is very easy”

Thank you so much for putting this in words. I have always been wondering why it used to hurt me so much when my mom asked me “What do you want for your birthday?” and then tell me to “go get it and I’ll repay you”. Your words helped me understand that it was a bait and switch – pretending to offer care and then delivering money.

“I never lacked for anything material” should be set up in the Hall of Really Sad Things to Say right next to “He never hit me”.

The stuff in between what Private Jane was quoting - her own experience - suddenly hit me in the head. I had a voice in my head go, 'don't you like me enough to find something? To put out the effort?'

I had a similar thing happen, I think, with one long-term boyfriend. He gave me a candle as a present one year, and when I was delighted, he said, "oh good, now I can " I can't recall the next phrase, but it was something along the lines of 'stop worrying about it' or 'stop thinking about it.' I said, "does this mean I'm going to get a candle every time, now? Because now that you know something I like, you don't have to apply any thought to the process anymore?" and he agreed. Like this was a good thing. My problem wasn't with him having figured out something I liked, but with him not being willing to put any more thought into it. Like, just grab any candle and she'll be ok with it, no thought applied, "Candle".

Stopping now so I can calm down.