Cut and paste and maybe I'll remember it

I've had an on-going issue that, fortunately, only comes up occasionally. It really really bugs me when people want me to make a list of things that I want as gifts. It *upsets* me. I get sad, and angry, and "that's not how you do it!" This was almost always in context of christmas gifts, and only really experienced from my mother in law. I've heard all the reasons why it's a thing, that people want to make sure that what they get is desired, that they don't want to mis-step, that they don't want to waste money, etc etc. Partly I feel like it's wildly inappropriate to tell someone else what to spend money on, partly it's that I greatly enjoy not knowing, partly that knowing what it is makes it not feel like a gift, just someone doing me a favor. (Yes, I'm unpacking as I type.) Yes, as a kid I wrote letters to Santa, and yes, I realize that my parents likely used that info. But I also never actually got most of what I asked for, and that was likely because my parents couldn't afford much of anything. (I think I got underwear for christmas every single year of my childhood, I don't recall when it stopped.)

But today I was randomly reading Captain Awkward and, in a slightly sideways subthread, Private Jane said:

“Compared to the actual work of, say, deciding what to buy and remembering all the special needs of others, just footing the bill is very easy”

Thank you so much for putting this in words. I have always been wondering why it used to hurt me so much when my mom asked me “What do you want for your birthday?” and then tell me to “go get it and I’ll repay you”. Your words helped me understand that it was a bait and switch – pretending to offer care and then delivering money.

“I never lacked for anything material” should be set up in the Hall of Really Sad Things to Say right next to “He never hit me”.

The stuff in between what Private Jane was quoting - her own experience - suddenly hit me in the head. I had a voice in my head go, 'don't you like me enough to find something? To put out the effort?'

I had a similar thing happen, I think, with one long-term boyfriend. He gave me a candle as a present one year, and when I was delighted, he said, "oh good, now I can " I can't recall the next phrase, but it was something along the lines of 'stop worrying about it' or 'stop thinking about it.' I said, "does this mean I'm going to get a candle every time, now? Because now that you know something I like, you don't have to apply any thought to the process anymore?" and he agreed. Like this was a good thing. My problem wasn't with him having figured out something I liked, but with him not being willing to put any more thought into it. Like, just grab any candle and she'll be ok with it, no thought applied, "Candle".

Stopping now so I can calm down.